We made it all the way to our old garden rocking chair. Apologies for her ‘mad eyed’ look. All ‘affected’. She knows it…
Aaah dear…we’ve gone missing again. I don’t really know what’s up. Or what to say.
Just the two of us is what has held me up - vertically- that is. Kept me going. Her little sturdy frame constantly stood solid in my eyeline has been my raison d’etre. Well, it still is. Always will be. But we’ve ‘suffered’ somewhat this Yuletide.
Before anyone says it/thinks it - I know we’re not in Gaza, Syria or Ukraine & Russia but - we are as a collective, nevertheless, expected to ‘carry on’ with a smile and a song. Especially during festivity time. And some of us are pretty well wrung out, I can tell you.
Not meaning to make excuses but our ‘unexplained disappearances’ goes some way to air our absences. If you know what I mean? Apologies once more. (Just in case anyone happened to miss us. Asking for a friend 😉).
Thing is, I can’t really tell you, as it goes. Not yet.
Oh - and there really is no need to ask if we’re ok, by the way. Honestly- no need. We are. Just a bit wotsit and oohjamaflip but we’ll be alright.
My unfortunate habit of intermittent posting is because I’m a tad confused at - my head. Inside thereof. Which is to say my head keeps pushing my typing hand in a different direction to ‘what I thought I thought’. For my head is heavy with thought, to be honest. And not all of it nice.
Being female is not always ‘naice’ is it? (‘Nice’ for uninitiated 🤔). We get it in the neck if we choose to not partner up. We get it in the neck if we choose unconventional partnering up- as it were. And that would be too many to mention, by the way. So, with carefree abandon we finally reach the finish line of ‘the childless’. And, indeed, childfree. Partnering or otherwise. Just not achieving procreation. Shame on you! Out, begone oh childless person. The finish line is all you’re getting!
To be clear, I’m not saying it. Maybe noone is saying it. But they bloody think it. And superior - oh my dear - get thee behind us barren body. It’s subconscious I’m telling you. And Christmas brings out the worst in the ‘all together now children’ yabber yabber.
Or am I simply too darn sensitive? For the funny thing is I’m no better with ageing. You’d think wouldn’t you? It woulda, shoulda bated by now. The emptiness of ageing without children, the end of the hereditary lineage finishes with YOU my friend.
I reckon my internal angry button has got worse. Has it though? You can tell me.
‘See how you’ve let us down? Last of the Smith- Browns’ stops right now with YOU! Apparently’. So says Auntie Beattie (herself a spinster. I made the names up, of course).
OK maybe not quite that intense but on a bad day you might consider it a possibility. And all you care about is having no child to call your own. Yes, yes there’s cousin Janice’s little chap to cuddle twice a year but it nowhere near fills the maternal/paternal hole in your heart.
We’re a bit fuzzy as I am permanently trying to get her in position. As you can see she beggars off every time. I’ve never had such a camera shy animal as Lilley, Never…
In my case, and others of my vintage, it’s all too late. And we know it. But hey - It’s all fine because we’ve accepted it. Barren and therefore pointless you move through life like a ghost in a nunnery. We’ve accepted it. Told you. We accepted it decades ago, didn’t we?
You think? I don’t believe we ever really accept our childlessness. Outwardly, subconsciously we don’t ever give it a thought. Inwardly, when the going gets rough, we give it too much time. And Thought.
‘Oi - you know what thought did? Followed a muck cart but thought it was a wedding’.
Sounds about right. I followed my own muck cart thinking it might be a route to a baby shower. My baby. Your baby. All of our babies never to be birthed. What a shame, said no one. Because no one says anything. No one knows what to say. Such a loss has no words. They can’t imagine ..,.
Anyway, why am I back on this shout out? Why am I emptying my very old head and scattering natal wordage like a young’un?
I got verbally lead (led?). It’s been such an empty Christmas this year. As it has on occasion other years but, to be honest, not quite so much. I’d say they’ve been got through fairly successfully. But this time not so much. Is it age? Does one become less desirable (as an acquaintance) when old? Alone. Childlessness adding the final anti social nail?
Facing up to reality I soldier on like an ageing numbskull.
Let me ask this - do any of you go deep into your own numbskull? I tell you what - mine has proven to be a blasted pest. And a trigger, like what Christmas can be where everyone everywhere talks of family and yet it took me by surprise this year. As a rule I switch the natal prejudice to neutral and pretend I’m absolutely fine. D’you know I’m not? I find it to be a brutally preferential subject out there in ‘big world’ re: other folks. The Family at Christmas. And at a very emotional time but with no consideration, ever, to those who are without child. Also, like me, with no immediate family. Of course it’s a time for youngsters, families. We cannot, would not deny. But how do you think someone like me — say - feels? Sitting at home, ageing, alone childless? Why do MY feelings not count? Other minorities get a mention. And can I please ask the childfree to bear in mind the only way we childless get traction is to be bloody miserable. A childless person(s) at Christmas, alone or otherwise, is allowed to be an unhappy soul. The childfree always seem very content with their choice. I envy them tbh.
We’re too staid, stoic and solid like a rock. We’re too ‘department’ led. And who of them out there cares?
Make your communities care. Let’s start with them.
I truly wish for all of you/us/me a contented, bright as a button, fortuitous and most of all, a peaceful New Year. For all God willing.
Thank you 🙏 xxx
I WILL see you soon! Me and her are off to photograph later. Always a sign of things to come. Don’t expect any ‘off the wall’ poses though will you? One of us is not very bendy and the other one only has one of two looks. Hairy or ‘surprised’.
To finish off with a saying by Dr Seuss:
“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” Yep.
Note: not posting so many photos now. It’s quite exhausting with her. It is! So just a set of specially taken shots and the best ones (yeah, I said that) chosen. If you look carefully you will see her black nose facing camera on the second shot. Otherwise she was on her way off piste again.
Also she’s growing her hair. Going back to her roots! 🎶
Thank you for sharing, always enjoy reading about your emotional adventures to which I can relate. Much love from across the pond.
The pain of loneliness, of exclusion is as REAL as any other pain (it lights up the same parts of the brain as physical pain). Some people are more suited to aloneness than others, but when it's unchosen and unbearable... it's REALLY HARD. I have no pat solutions to offer dear Trish, but always my admiration and support from afar. Love, Jody x
That was a tough read! Most of the time I squash my thoughts down but your posts bring them bubbling to the top. Not that I’m complaining, it’s comforting to know you are not alone. Being with a hubby and smart little dog doesn’t make me feel alone - yet! Christmas is bearable and I’m grateful for the love and warmth around me. I try to distance myself from social media - too many cringing celebrity families in matching PJ’s 😂
Thank you for your searing honesty and truthfulness in your writing and making me smile. The ghost in a nunnery analogy had me giggling. This year I have had aches and pains that don't get better, my welcome to older age. Yes getting old is hard for all of us but being without close family certainly makes it harder, here's to more people getting it and reaching out the hand of friendship.
We are so much alike in thoughts and expressed feelings. Most times I'm grateful not to have a child or grandchild live in the current hate filled, depressed and dying world, but at times, usually late at night or when speaking with a thoughtless person, my selfishness kicks in and a small burn erupts inside of me. Once we've moved to Largs (S is retiring soon) would love to have you visit and stroll along the esplanade with Lilley and the two of us.